Once upon a time...

How did it start. I wrapped my arm around your waist. I was protecting you. You kept playing with my hair. You kept trying to make me laugh. You lay your head in my lap and let me put braids in your hair. Even though you hate it.

The invitation. Innocent. Come hang-out. We hung-out. You across my body, laying on me on the chair. The Darkness. You sing. You keep trying to tickle me. You can't tickle me. I tickle you. You find my hip. Innocent. Innocent. I see what you are thinking.

You are wrong. I am a bitch. It's not worth it. I'm not worth the trouble of getting your heart broken. It's what I do. It's what I will do.

Midnight conversation. I'll tell you somehow. It's not worth it. I wish it could be. I'd love to let my guard down and I'd love to be the one hurt. I won't let it happen because I would break your heart first. I'd love to love you. I'd love to just like you. But I can't.

It's too late. They aren't asleep. I can't. Why me? You never say it. I'll tell you eventually. It's not worth it. I'm not worth the trouble. I'm sorry.

It's not always so hard. Sometimes it's not so hard to bare. It's not so bad. You look happy and that's all I want. Hand-in-hand or lip-to-lip. I can take it. I can stand to look at you... happy. Sometimes it makes me smile. It's okay for you to like her.

It's not always so hard. Sometimes I can't handle it though. Sometimes it feels like you are the only one that will ever understand... and then you're not there. You're with her. And I don't know how to be alone. I don't know how to be the only one that understands. But you're happy. It's not okay for her to love you.

Sometimes I don't care. I swear I don't. I just want you to be happy. I just want you to be...

Happy.

Sometimes I can't take it. Sometimes I want to be the only thing to make you happy. Sometimes all I want is just to exist. You and me.

You.Me. you=me. me=you. Me.You.

It doesn't work that way. And how I feel will change tomorrow or next week, maybe next month, but it will. We know it will... but sometimes... I just want to hold on.

The feeling of defeat dripping like an IV through me, slowly killing everything that is good. Killing all the things that make anything feel right.

Slowly pumping through the machine turning all the blood to rust. And the machine keeps working so hard and the pressure keeps building. It screams and hisses in pain.

The excruciating pain in my chest. The pressure building. The screaming. And no one but me can hear it. The calm, collected look on my face hides it. No one can hear it. Only I feel it. No one else knows the machine inside of me is breaking... not even you.

And it sits in my chest all covered in rust. It sits broken into pieces not working. It keeps me from feeling. It keeps me from wanting. My broken, rusted machine. My broken, rusted heart. I will fix the damn thing myself. Not even you know.

I hate you.

You're in here with me. I'm not alone. I should be alone, but I'm not. I know you know. You shouldn't know, but you do. I never have to say anything. It's already been said. And you know.

You push the right buttons to push me over the edge. You do it on purpose. I know you do. I know why you do it too. But you knew that.

You want me to be happy. You want me to do it on my own. I can't take the easy way out. You won't let me. Eventually the easy way would kill me... because that's not my way. And you know it. And you push the right buttons. And I know. And you know.

I hate you. Because you know and I can't hide it. If it were just me, I could hide it. I could hide it and I could be okay. But you're in here too. And you know. I know you know and you know I know. So how can I hide it? I can't. And I hate you. I hate you for knowing. But you knew that.

I love you because you know. I love you because you won't let me hide it. You won't let me take the easy way out. You will keep pushing the buttons. I love you for everything that I hate you for. And you know.

And I know I didn't have to say it. But you knew that too.

I couldn't explain it to anyone even if I tried. I could try to put it into words but it would never come out like it was supposed to. No one will ever understand the conflict that is raging inside of my mind.

If I could get it out-- if I could tell someone what is wrong, they would think the solution would be so easy. So simple. Easy. But it's not. It is far from easy. It should be a piece of cake. It's not. It's not easy.

Simple. I should be able to say: "No. This isn't how it is supposed to be." But I can't. Simple? It's not. Because I don't know how it is supposed to be. I don't know if I'm supposed to go left or right. Up or down. Here or there. I don't know.

And sometimes... sometimes, I don't think I care. I should though. I should care to know where I am going or should be going. But I don't. I don't know and I don't care. It's not easy. It's not simple.

Something inside my head wants to let go and slip into autopilot. Something else wants to grab the wheel and drive. But neither know where they are going. So I idle. I sit here. I try not to choose. I try to fight the flow of things. I try not to let anything go anywhere... but it does. And I don't know what to do.

I'm being swept away in all of this and it's not as easy as saying "Hey! No. Stop. I want this... not that..." I don't know what I want. I don't think I care to want. I want to want, but I don't. And I don't. I don't. It's not simple. It's not. And I don't.