It's not. And I don't. (go back »)

I couldn't explain it to anyone even if I tried. I could try to put it into words but it would never come out like it was supposed to. No one will ever understand the conflict that is raging inside of my mind.

If I could get it out-- if I could tell someone what is wrong, they would think the solution would be so easy. So simple. Easy. But it's not. It is far from easy. It should be a piece of cake. It's not. It's not easy.

Simple. I should be able to say: "No. This isn't how it is supposed to be." But I can't. Simple? It's not. Because I don't know how it is supposed to be. I don't know if I'm supposed to go left or right. Up or down. Here or there. I don't know.

And sometimes... sometimes, I don't think I care. I should though. I should care to know where I am going or should be going. But I don't. I don't know and I don't care. It's not easy. It's not simple.

Something inside my head wants to let go and slip into autopilot. Something else wants to grab the wheel and drive. But neither know where they are going. So I idle. I sit here. I try not to choose. I try to fight the flow of things. I try not to let anything go anywhere... but it does. And I don't know what to do.

I'm being swept away in all of this and it's not as easy as saying "Hey! No. Stop. I want this... not that..." I don't know what I want. I don't think I care to want. I want to want, but I don't. And I don't. I don't. It's not simple. It's not. And I don't.